[it's not chastising, he knows, and it's nothing short of amazing how understanding tifa is about it. a frown pinches his expression even as he follows her further into the pen, holding the basket protectively towards his chest.]
[she shouldn't be giving him so many outs, is what part of him thinks. but on the other hand... it's nice to have them, even if it doesn't make him feel that much better. when everything was happening so much earlier, it was easy enough to put everything to the side and think about it "later." right now, nothing is really happening, and that much is enough to leave him with a sense of — inadequacy, if nothing else.]
I want to talk about it.
[a chocobo pushes its beak against his cheek, causing cloud to react to it with something of a surprised reaction. and even though his face is turned elsewhere, he returns his gaze towards tifa.]
It's not fair that we just put things off because I can't find the words.
So— if you want to, we can talk about it.
[about what the "it" is in "it's okay" and "it's a lot."]
[It makes Tifa slow to a stop, her back facing his and hands clutched together firmly behind her back. She teases Cloud all the time about never being a talker, but she knows she's no better. She struggles to allow her feelings to come forward just the same and doesn't like talking about them, preferring to be the listener because it's easier to be the pillar for someone else than reaching for others to be hers.
But Cloud is trying. She can tell. He wants to, and that's more than she asked for. She should try, too.]
I—
[She can feel those same emotions swelling up in her chest again – the ones that kept her awake that night in Sector 5, but she won't cry. Not this time.
It helps that they have the chocobos there to keep her steady on her feet, so she gets right back into it with a new sprout of gysahl green for the one pestering Cloud, bringing them face to face again. It crunches down while she feeds it in silence before letting her fingers rest around the edges of the basket.]
[he lets a breath go as tifa speaks those two words—i'm scared—her fingers lightly on the edge of the wicker basket. he looks down, marvels at how slender and fragile her hands look, all the while knowing she can pack quite the punch with them. the chocobos are momentarily forgotten as she speaks up. and he swallows, nodding in understanding.]
That's normal.
[immediately going to the "SOLDIER pep talk," but he seems to catch on to that, and so relents with something of a wince on his expression. instead of continuing, he relents and adjusts his hand so that his fingers can cover her own, just slightly.]
I... guess I am, too. [if they're going to be honest.] But I won't falter. I'll keep going.
[this kind of ferocious desire to push through stems really from one thing and one thing alone: finding sephiroth and defeating him, no matter what the stakes are. but the presence of the man looms over them like a dark cloud, and while that is the case, he understands that there's more than that which should drive them forward.]
[It's a slight and subtle gesture, but Tifa can appreciate it when she feels the warmth of his hands so near her own, but she keeps her hold on the basket firm, too frozen to reach out further. Everything she had been pent up until now – that she'd been thinking to herself in silence – wants to come pouring out to him, but she has more control than that.
Her chest heaves with a deep breath. When she lifts her eyes up from their hands, they meet his and force her to quickly avert her gaze again, the blue too much for her right now. The way he's looking at her is...]
Not knowing what's going to happen next. Not having all the answers?
[Her voice cracks near the end, and she has to take a moment to focus on her words again.]
The last time we didn't know for sure, we were too late to stop the plate from falling.
[Saying it out loud makes her feel silly for even comparing that to what they're going through now. They may not have the answers, but what they do have right now is time, and that's more than what they did on that night.]
[the event of the plate falling is still too close to him still, so he can only imagine that the grief sits too closely to her heart, moreso than what she lets on. she had been right back then, talking about how the risk was too big, how he met her gaze at the bar and knew that she did not approve. it was a hard lesson on actions having consequences—of them being powerless against such a bigger force such as shinra.]
[he can push aside the guilt of those who lost their lives that day, those who lost everything.]
[but tifa? he has a feeling she carries that guilt on her shoulders. when her voice cracks, it's almost enough to put him at a loss, wanting to reach out—but he holds out, waiting to see what else she's got to say.]
Just like home.
[he blurts out.]
[nibelheim burning, the inevitability of it all. their being unable to do anything to stop it, to protect their home. cloud remembers being there, even if tifa might not remember him being there.]
It seems like every time I show up it's to bring a bad omen. With our home, back then. With your new home in sector seven.
[his gaze returns to where their hands join, and he's... quiet a while.]
I know it's not much, but I promise you none of those losses will be in vain. I'll make sure every single one of them count. Jessie, Biggs. Our parents. [he shakes his head] We'll stick together, like we should have had, five years ago.
[His words sting a little more than perhaps he intended them to. Not because it was the wrong thing to say, but thinking that any of it is his responsibility to bear... Her hands stretch out to reach for his.]
You're not some kind of bad omen. You never were, so don't think that, okay?
[She was so happy to see him again. Elated. She was never sure if she would again. And no matter what they'd been through or what Shinra could throw at them, that part never changed. Nothing bad ever came out of having Cloud around, and no one thought so, either. Although... it might have taken Barret some time to warm up to him.
There's a chocobo waiting for food next to them, but the only sound it makes is the rustling of its tail feathers and a soft, gentle chirp to get their attention. Tifa's fingers fall away when she reaches into the basket for some gysahl green and passes it over to the bird. It deserves a pat on its head for being so patient, too.
It's Tifa's turn to shake her head.]
You had somewhere you wanted to be five years ago. Do you remember what you said to me back then?
[something about her words in trying to reassure him hit in a way he can't quite... solidify. while he wasn't exactly aiming at self-deprecating humor, it does highlight just how terrible he feels about everything he was unable to stop; how he couldn't do much of anything to protect his home or those who slowly started accepting him—perhaps even respecting him, in some way.]
[his thoughts are momentarily stolen from him as the chocobo vies for their attention.]
[cloud sighs, keeping his head lowered.]
I can't remember much of anything. [an admittance, perhaps...] I remember the important things, but details are — [he stops, then figures there's no point not talking about it. president shinra had put it on blast either way, before they fought the air buster.] It's the mako.
[It's said with a defeated nod, but she remains where she is, standing her ground against the onslaught of emotions. It's a touchy subject, she knows, but she also knows there's far more to the story than he's letting on and it's tricky for her to navigate how to help him through it if she doesn't know. But... she doesn't want to talk about that right now. About the mako.
There's something forced about her smile, but she pursues it anyway, even knowing that Cloud will just see right through it.]
You said you were going to be the best of the best... way back then!
[The memory itself draws an accidental, breathy laugh out of her, and she glances up at the sky. It's no starry one like the night he made the promise, but it's still as wide and expansive as ever, even with the clouds that have started to roll in.]
I know... you're not a SOLDIER anymore, but heroes save people, so that's what you're gonna do, yeah?
[It's not reiterated to put any pressure on his shoulders, but she hopes that it will, at the very least, remind him that he has nothing to feel guilty about. Not when it comes to her, especially. She will have none of these "should haves" anymore.]
[the best? he doesn't know about that. he wasn't able to even do that, not even for himself. but he listens on, raising his eyes to look at tifa. she's not saying these things to get him in any position where he doubts himself or feels shitty about choices made or promises undone.]
Tifa, we were kids—
[it feels like such a long time ago. but he can see that she's trying, desperately, to hold to some semblance of hope and positivity, and he's just so fraught with the weight of a lot of issues he hasn't even been able to look into.]
I'm not going to do that.
[finally, he grabs at one of the greens in the basket and offers it to an enthused chocobo.]
We are. [he peers back towards her] All of us. I know better than to try and do this by myself.
Right. We are. I'd never let you go at this alone.
[He was never going to have to, especially if Tifa had anything to say about it. It's difficult to know exactly what he's thinking, or if she's even saying the right things, but him accepting their help and opening up to her even a little is a step in the right direction. She's careful, though – the last thing she wants is for him to close himself off again, like he did when he returned to Sector 7.
So, Tifa lets out an airy laugh and nods over to the group in the distance still prepping their lunch feast before her hands wrap around his wrist. She tugs – gently – to bring him further with her into the pen where the smaller chocobo chicks are grazing among their parents.]
And I don't think you're stubborn enough to convince Barret otherwise, either.
[He's warmed up to Cloud since they came back from their first mission.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she shouldn't be giving him so many outs, is what part of him thinks. but on the other hand... it's nice to have them, even if it doesn't make him feel that much better. when everything was happening so much earlier, it was easy enough to put everything to the side and think about it "later." right now, nothing is really happening, and that much is enough to leave him with a sense of — inadequacy, if nothing else.]
I want to talk about it.
[a chocobo pushes its beak against his cheek, causing cloud to react to it with something of a surprised reaction. and even though his face is turned elsewhere, he returns his gaze towards tifa.]
It's not fair that we just put things off because I can't find the words.
So— if you want to, we can talk about it.
[about what the "it" is in "it's okay" and "it's a lot."]
no subject
But Cloud is trying. She can tell. He wants to, and that's more than she asked for. She should try, too.]
I—
[She can feel those same emotions swelling up in her chest again – the ones that kept her awake that night in Sector 5, but she won't cry. Not this time.
It helps that they have the chocobos there to keep her steady on her feet, so she gets right back into it with a new sprout of gysahl green for the one pestering Cloud, bringing them face to face again. It crunches down while she feeds it in silence before letting her fingers rest around the edges of the basket.]
I'm scared, Cloud.
no subject
That's normal.
[immediately going to the "SOLDIER pep talk," but he seems to catch on to that, and so relents with something of a wince on his expression. instead of continuing, he relents and adjusts his hand so that his fingers can cover her own, just slightly.]
I... guess I am, too. [if they're going to be honest.] But I won't falter. I'll keep going.
[this kind of ferocious desire to push through stems really from one thing and one thing alone: finding sephiroth and defeating him, no matter what the stakes are. but the presence of the man looms over them like a dark cloud, and while that is the case, he understands that there's more than that which should drive them forward.]
[he looks up at tifa's eyes.]
You can tell me what it is.
[what it is that scares her.]
no subject
Her chest heaves with a deep breath. When she lifts her eyes up from their hands, they meet his and force her to quickly avert her gaze again, the blue too much for her right now. The way he's looking at her is...]
Not knowing what's going to happen next. Not having all the answers?
[Her voice cracks near the end, and she has to take a moment to focus on her words again.]
The last time we didn't know for sure, we were too late to stop the plate from falling.
[Saying it out loud makes her feel silly for even comparing that to what they're going through now. They may not have the answers, but what they do have right now is time, and that's more than what they did on that night.]
no subject
[he can push aside the guilt of those who lost their lives that day, those who lost everything.]
[but tifa? he has a feeling she carries that guilt on her shoulders. when her voice cracks, it's almost enough to put him at a loss, wanting to reach out—but he holds out, waiting to see what else she's got to say.]
Just like home.
[he blurts out.]
[nibelheim burning, the inevitability of it all. their being unable to do anything to stop it, to protect their home. cloud remembers being there, even if tifa might not remember him being there.]
It seems like every time I show up it's to bring a bad omen. With our home, back then. With your new home in sector seven.
[his gaze returns to where their hands join, and he's... quiet a while.]
I know it's not much, but I promise you none of those losses will be in vain. I'll make sure every single one of them count. Jessie, Biggs. Our parents. [he shakes his head] We'll stick together, like we should have had, five years ago.
no subject
You're not some kind of bad omen. You never were, so don't think that, okay?
[She was so happy to see him again. Elated. She was never sure if she would again. And no matter what they'd been through or what Shinra could throw at them, that part never changed. Nothing bad ever came out of having Cloud around, and no one thought so, either. Although... it might have taken Barret some time to warm up to him.
There's a chocobo waiting for food next to them, but the only sound it makes is the rustling of its tail feathers and a soft, gentle chirp to get their attention. Tifa's fingers fall away when she reaches into the basket for some gysahl green and passes it over to the bird. It deserves a pat on its head for being so patient, too.
It's Tifa's turn to shake her head.]
You had somewhere you wanted to be five years ago. Do you remember what you said to me back then?
no subject
[his thoughts are momentarily stolen from him as the chocobo vies for their attention.]
[cloud sighs, keeping his head lowered.]
I can't remember much of anything. [an admittance, perhaps...] I remember the important things, but details are — [he stops, then figures there's no point not talking about it. president shinra had put it on blast either way, before they fought the air buster.] It's the mako.
[sure, cloud.]
no subject
[It's said with a defeated nod, but she remains where she is, standing her ground against the onslaught of emotions. It's a touchy subject, she knows, but she also knows there's far more to the story than he's letting on and it's tricky for her to navigate how to help him through it if she doesn't know. But... she doesn't want to talk about that right now. About the mako.
There's something forced about her smile, but she pursues it anyway, even knowing that Cloud will just see right through it.]
You said you were going to be the best of the best... way back then!
[The memory itself draws an accidental, breathy laugh out of her, and she glances up at the sky. It's no starry one like the night he made the promise, but it's still as wide and expansive as ever, even with the clouds that have started to roll in.]
I know... you're not a SOLDIER anymore, but heroes save people, so that's what you're gonna do, yeah?
[It's not reiterated to put any pressure on his shoulders, but she hopes that it will, at the very least, remind him that he has nothing to feel guilty about. Not when it comes to her, especially. She will have none of these "should haves" anymore.]
no subject
Tifa, we were kids—
[it feels like such a long time ago. but he can see that she's trying, desperately, to hold to some semblance of hope and positivity, and he's just so fraught with the weight of a lot of issues he hasn't even been able to look into.]
I'm not going to do that.
[finally, he grabs at one of the greens in the basket and offers it to an enthused chocobo.]
We are. [he peers back towards her] All of us. I know better than to try and do this by myself.
no subject
Right. We are. I'd never let you go at this alone.
[He was never going to have to, especially if Tifa had anything to say about it. It's difficult to know exactly what he's thinking, or if she's even saying the right things, but him accepting their help and opening up to her even a little is a step in the right direction. She's careful, though – the last thing she wants is for him to close himself off again, like he did when he returned to Sector 7.
So, Tifa lets out an airy laugh and nods over to the group in the distance still prepping their lunch feast before her hands wrap around his wrist. She tugs – gently – to bring him further with her into the pen where the smaller chocobo chicks are grazing among their parents.]
And I don't think you're stubborn enough to convince Barret otherwise, either.
[He's warmed up to Cloud since they came back from their first mission.
... They've all come a long way since then.]