Yeah, I bet it does. I know how you think. You wanna be strong for everyone else, right?
[It's such a Tifa way to look at things, and while Kainé certainly admires her perseverance, she's learned a little something about self-care during her time here. Not a lot, mind you, but enough.]
Sometimes you have to put your own damn self first.
[She's feeling very Called Out right now, but she can't even be upset about it because she's right. That's exactly what she's trying to do, and she's exhausting herself in the process. Anyone who has seen her in the past few days can attest to that.]
I
[There's a blotch on the journal where her quill sits for some time after that, before the words begin to appear.]
don't know.
[This may be the first time she's admitting that to anyone, and the next words are penned a little more frantically.]
I don't know. I feel like there's so much I should be doing that I haven't thought about what I wanted.
[What are friends for if not to call you out when you need it, huh?
Kainé stares at that blotch without adding anything of her own, waiting for it to become something more. If Tifa needs time to think, so be it.]
Our reasoning is different, but I might know better than anyone what it's like not to think about what you want for yourself. Hard to learn how to do. I'm still figuring it out. Maybe it's time you do, too.
What happened isn't something you can just blow off and pretend to be okay with. It's okay to feel shit. You deserve that much, at least. The chance to be honest with yourself.
[The last thing that Tifa wants to do is burden her with any of this information, but...
She was kind enough to reach out to her. It's the least she could do to at least share with her what happened. Maybe get an outsider's perspective on it all.]
Well... Eustace was cast as Romeo and I was Juliet. There was that curse... the lindwurm curse, and back then he ended up killing me in that dream.
We went out to the Cliffsides on that day to look for Dawn Flowers when I came across three of them. Lindwurms, and when I froze, they attacked.
Yeah. I don't know why I froze the way I did, but they managed to take me down for it. If it weren't for that necklace and that glass pendant, I don't know if I would've survived it.
I guess that was enough to push Eustace over the edge. When he found me, the last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out was red eyes. Next thing I knew, I was waking up inside ice in this cave.
Shit like that can be hard to explain. Moments where we feel like we should’ve been better or faster, shouldn’t have frozen. The kind of thing you and I are bound to beat ourselves up about, but it’s gotta be more complex than even we know. Glad you DID survive it.
The hell was he doing? Trying to protect you? Some twisted version of it, anyway. Noctaere shit twists everything up.
Yeah. I guess in his head, he thought that maybe it would save me. In a way, it kind of did.
[She might not have made it if he hadn't thought to freeze her like that, but she's right. Noctaere shit does twist everything up. Which makes her wonder...]
Have you ever seen one before? A noctaere, I mean... or a version of someone else?
[The memory has stuck with her ever since. She and 76 had done a lot of damage to one another during that encounter, but more importantly, the experience had showed them how they were alike— how they could help one another.]
Awhile back, 76 changed. Found him while he was out hunting. It got ugly. Changed him, too. That thing is always gonna be a part of him. Could be the same for Eustace, but 76 has a good handle on it. He could do the same.
[She had no idea that even happened to 76, and for a brief moment, she wonders how much of it is even her business, but maybe... maybe this is good... Tifa only has her own experience to go off of, so maybe hearing about someone else's will help her get over whatever this guilty hurdle of hers is.]
What happened to you both, if you don't mind me asking?
We fought, mostly. That thing he became was a real asshole, gloating about how it wasn't going to let him out again. I don't know what it was that finally brought him back. I hate retreating, but I didn't have a choice by the end. We found each other and talked later once it was done.
I know what it's like to have something inside you dying to get out. Told him you just had to tell whatever it was to fuck off and then hold onto what's yours as hard as you can. If it's the same for Eustace, I'm betting he's stubborn enough to pull it off.
[It's a nice sentiment to remember, at the very least. Something that maybe he'll need to hear.]
It was the same for him, too. Every time it opened its mouth, it talked about how that was who he is now. Or who he's always been and was going to be. I can't imagine it's easy to just ignore the voice that keeps telling them that too.
Even the most stubborn bastard would have trouble ignoring it. You hear shit like that often enough, it's tough not to believe it. With practice, you learn to grow thicker skin.
He's doing okay. Just a bit tired... there are still nightmares here and there, but I think we're breaking through. Been spending a lot of quality time together, which I think is good.
Things got a bit rocky there right after, so it's definitely needed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's such a Tifa way to look at things, and while Kainé certainly admires her perseverance, she's learned a little something about self-care during her time here. Not a lot, mind you, but enough.]
Sometimes you have to put your own damn self first.
What do you WANT to do?
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I
[There's a blotch on the journal where her quill sits for some time after that, before the words begin to appear.]
don't know.
[This may be the first time she's admitting that to anyone, and the next words are penned a little more frantically.]
I don't know. I feel like there's so much I should be doing that I haven't thought about what I wanted.
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Kainé stares at that blotch without adding anything of her own, waiting for it to become something more. If Tifa needs time to think, so be it.]
Our reasoning is different, but I might know better than anyone what it's like not to think about what you want for yourself. Hard to learn how to do. I'm still figuring it out. Maybe it's time you do, too.
What happened isn't something you can just blow off and pretend to be okay with. It's okay to feel shit. You deserve that much, at least. The chance to be honest with yourself.
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[And another little stain on the paper, a black dot that grows as the ink sits.]
guilty. Like I was the one who put everyone in danger.
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Nothing to feel guilty about there. I'd have done the same damn thing.
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Do you remember the curse from a few months back? In that dreamscape where we all had to be Montagues or Capulets?
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You never went into detail about what happened to you there. At least, not with me.
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She was kind enough to reach out to her. It's the least she could do to at least share with her what happened. Maybe get an outsider's perspective on it all.]
Well... Eustace was cast as Romeo and I was Juliet. There was that curse... the lindwurm curse, and back then he ended up killing me in that dream.
We went out to the Cliffsides on that day to look for Dawn Flowers when I came across three of them. Lindwurms, and when I froze, they attacked.
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Shit. I can imagine what kind of crappy memories that conjured up.
That's what kicked this whole thing off?
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I guess that was enough to push Eustace over the edge. When he found me, the last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out was red eyes. Next thing I knew, I was waking up inside ice in this cave.
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The hell was he doing? Trying to protect you? Some twisted version of it, anyway. Noctaere shit twists everything up.
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[She might not have made it if he hadn't thought to freeze her like that, but she's right. Noctaere shit does twist everything up. Which makes her wonder...]
Have you ever seen one before? A noctaere, I mean... or a version of someone else?
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[The memory has stuck with her ever since. She and 76 had done a lot of damage to one another during that encounter, but more importantly, the experience had showed them how they were alike— how they could help one another.]
Awhile back, 76 changed. Found him while he was out hunting. It got ugly. Changed him, too. That thing is always gonna be a part of him. Could be the same for Eustace, but 76 has a good handle on it. He could do the same.
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What happened to you both, if you don't mind me asking?
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I know what it's like to have something inside you dying to get out. Told him you just had to tell whatever it was to fuck off and then hold onto what's yours as hard as you can. If it's the same for Eustace, I'm betting he's stubborn enough to pull it off.
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[It's a nice sentiment to remember, at the very least. Something that maybe he'll need to hear.]
It was the same for him, too. Every time it opened its mouth, it talked about how that was who he is now. Or who he's always been and was going to be. I can't imagine it's easy to just ignore the voice that keeps telling them that too.
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How's he doing right now?
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Things got a bit rocky there right after, so it's definitely needed.